Dear Mr. Cheney,

In his just-published memoir, Decision Points, your former boss, President George W. Bush, calls you the “Darth Vader of the administration”.  Are you going to take that lying down? We know that you are a master of getting even, and I’m sure you have lots of quips in your bag that can top Bush’s. And what better forum than a memoir of your own?

Which prompts us to remind you that our publishing company, E-Reads, has had an offer on the table for a year and a half  to publish your own story should your publisher Simon & Schuster abandon it. And I’m beginning to wonder if they will.  They’ve been waiting all this time for it while the down-payment they gave you on the reported $2 million advance generates dividends in your Haliburton holdings. And the matter has become urgent, sir, because we understand you’ve been having some health issues. So – forgive my candor, sir -  before you’re summoned to the Death Star you need to act immediately.

To refresh your memory, we’re reprinting below our original letter to you.  And we are cc-ing your editor Mary Matalin.  Unfortunately, she has not responded to our overtures, possibly because she’s preoccupied with her service on the Board of Directors of George Washington University’s Cheney Cardiovascular Institute.

Richard Curtis

******************************

May 25, 2009

Dear Mr. Cheney:

I read today that you are seeking a publication deal for your memoirs. E-Reads, a ten-year-old publishing company of which I am president and CEO, invites you to consider bringing your book out under our imprint. We offer a number of advantages over conventional publishers, particularly instant release of your book in both e-book and print on demand format.

We are prepared to offer a substantial advance and an unprecedented royalty percentage for the privilege of publishing your story. If you require the services of a professional co-author we have access to many superb professional writers with ghost-writing or co-writing credentials.

Naturally, before we sign a binding commitment it would be mutually beneficial for us to spell out the content and “voice” of your book. A paramount consideration is the degree to which you can be candid about your personal life and political career. Though I realize you’re a newcomer to the publishing process, I’m sure that as a businessman you will appreciate that the more frank you can be, the higher the commercial value of your book. A memoir perceived as self-serving (such as public statements you have made since leaving office, if I may be so frank) will simply not enable us to recoup our investment. I’m afraid we can’t count on foreign rights revenue as responses to feelers made by our agents abroad have not been encouraging. It seems that the willingness of the Coalition of the Willing does not extend to acquiring rights to your story.

If however you are prepared to produce a forthright account of your term in office, we are prepared to demonstrate our earnestness with a compensation package far beyond the $2 million you are reported to be seeking.

As for the contents, I’ve made some notes about topics that we would like to see covered in your book. Here’s a partial bulleted list:

• How you assisted President Bush deceive Congress and the American people into buying into a connection between Al Qaeda and the Iraq government under Saddam Hussein
• How you misrepresented available intelligence
• How you outed covert intelligence officer Valerie Plame and got your Chief of Staff Scooter Libby to take the fall
• How you steered no-bid government contracts to Halliburton, a company in which you have a multimillion dollar interest that has appreciated by thousands of percent since the war began
• How you undermined the Constitution
• How you suspended the right of Habeas Corpus
• How you subverted the rule of law
• How you instituted secret wiretapping and email monitoring of American citizens
• How you scammed America’s allies with Saddam’s “weapons of mass destruction”
• How you created a secret cabal of oil and other energy lobbyists
• How you sent thousands of young men and women to death and maiming in the prosecution of a “phony” war whose real goal was to exploit Middle East oil
• How you leveraged your office to create a policy of torture and brutality

As I stated at the outset, if this book is to succeed commercially it must be completely candid. If you are uncertain about the meaning of that term, let me recommend a book that might serve as your model. I’m thinking of The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir by former dancer Toni Bentley whose candor about her sex life was painfully frank. In particular she rhapsodized about anal intercourse. We don’t feel that discussions about your sex life are necessary to make this book a success (though, needless to say, if there were any revelations of that nature that you were willing to share with your readers “it wouldn’t hoit!” as they say). Nevertheless, you might find anal intercourse to be an effective metaphor for your conduct as Vice-President. I don’t want to put words in your mouth but if you were willing to talk about giving it to the American people “in the ass” we would probably raise our first printing another 100,000 copies in the blink of an eye.

In the hope that we’ve persuaded you to cast your lot with us, we’d like to discuss titles, and I think we’ve got one you’re going to love. Ready?

GO FUCK YOURSELF
My Life in High Crimes and Misdemeanors
by Dick Cheney

We’ve already picked out some great cover photos for you to review and we’ve even taken the liberty of producing a sensational Web promo built around your priceless “Go Fuck Yourself” pronunciamento. We’re dummying up a book jacket with some great graphics spun off that theme and I guarantee it’s a knockout.

Please get back to me with your response to our proposal, and, if you agree to our approach and are confident you can deliver a truthful account, have your authorized representative contact me to hammer out details. I look forward to hearing from you and, I hope, working with you.

Yours Truly,

Richard Curtis
President and CEO
E-Reads

Crown, a division of Random House, has announced that former President George W. Bush’s memoir Decision Points will be released on November 9.  With its list price of $35 we are falling all over ourselves to reserve a copy.

But we are utterly mystified about the status of Dick Cheney’s memoir, long ago signed by Simon & Schuster, and we’re beginning to wonder if the company is getting cold feet about the explosive contents of the former Vice-President’s story.  If that is the case, E-Reads would be more than happy to reinstate the offer we made last May inviting Mr.Cheney to publish his book with us. For those who missed it we reproduce it below:

************************************

Dear Mr. Cheney:

I read today that you are seeking a publication deal for your memoirs. E-Reads, a ten-year-old publishing company of which I am president and CEO, invites you to consider bringing your book out under our imprint. We offer a number of advantages over conventional publishers, particularly instant release of your book in both e-book and print on demand format.

We are prepared to offer a substantial advance and an unprecedented royalty percentage for the privilege of publishing your story. If you require the services of a professional co-author we have access to many superb professional writers with ghost-writing or co-writing credentials.

Naturally, before we sign a binding commitment it would be mutually beneficial for us to spell out the content and “voice” of your book. A paramount consideration is the degree to which you can be candid about your personal life and political career. Though I realize you’re a newcomer to the publishing process, I’m sure that as a businessman you will appreciate that the more frank you can be, the higher the commercial value of your book. A memoir perceived as self-serving (such as public statements you have made since leaving office, if I may be so frank) will simply not enable us to recoup our investment. I’m afraid we can’t count on foreign rights revenue as responses to feelers made by our agents abroad have not been encouraging. It seems that the willingness of the Coalition of the Willing does not extend to acquiring rights to your story.

If however you are prepared to produce a forthright account of your term in office, we are prepared to demonstrate our earnestness with a compensation package far beyond the $2 million you are reported to be seeking.

As for the contents, I’ve made some notes about topics that we would like to see covered in your book. Here’s a partial bulleted list:

* How you assisted President Bush deceive Congress and the American people into buying into a connection between Al Qaeda and the Iraq government under Saddam Hussein
* How you misrepresented available intelligence
* How you outed covert intelligence officer Valerie Plame and got your Chief of Staff Scooter Libby to take the fall
* How you steered no-bid government contracts to Halliburton, a company in which you have a multimillion dollar interest that has appreciated by thousands of percent since the war began
* How you undermined the Constitution
* How you suspended the right of Habeas Corpus
* How you subverted the rule of law
* How you instituted secret wiretapping and email monitoring of American citizens
* How you scammed America’s allies with Saddam’s “weapons of mass destruction”
* How you created a secret cabal of oil and other energy lobbyists
* How you sent thousands of young men and women to death and maiming in the prosecution of a “phony” war whose real goal was to exploit Middle East oil
* How you leveraged your office to create a policy of torture and brutality

As I stated at the outset, if this book is to succeed commercially it must be completely candid. If you are uncertain about the meaning of that term, let me recommend a book that might serve as your model. I’m thinking of The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir by former dancer Toni Bentley whose candor about her sex life was painfully frank. In particular she rhapsodized about anal intercourse. We don’t feel that discussions about your sex life are necessary to make this book a success (though, needless to say, if there were any revelations of that nature that you were willing to share with your readers “it wouldn’t hoit!” as they say). Nevertheless, you might find anal intercourse to be an effective metaphor for your conduct as Vice-President. I don’t want to put words in your mouth but if you were willing to talk about giving it to the American people “in the ass” we would probably raise our first printing another 100,000 copies in the blink of an eye.

In the hope that we’ve persuaded you to cast your lot with us, we’d like to discuss titles, and I think we’ve got one you’re going to love. Ready?

GO FUCK YOURSELF
My Life in High Crimes and Misdemeanors
by Dick Cheney

We’ve already picked out some great cover photos for you to review and we’ve even taken the liberty of producing a sensational Web promo built around your priceless “Go Fuck Yourself” pronunciamento. We’re dummying up a book jacket with some great graphics spun off that theme and I guarantee it’s a knockout.

Please get back to me with your response to our proposal, and, if you agree to our approach and are confident you can deliver a truthful account, have your authorized representative contact me to hammer out details. I look forward to hearing from you and, I hope, working with you.

Yours Truly,

Richard Curtis
President and CEO
E-Reads

Ms. Mary Matalin
Threshold Editions
c/o Simon & Schuster

Dear Mary Matalin:

Richard Curtis here, CEO of E-Reads, the publishing company that made what we thought was an irresistible offer to Dick Cheney to publish his book. In case you missed our proposal you may read it here.

But I don’t want to sound like a sore loser. If I had to lose a bidding war, I’m relieved it’s to you. I was terrified it might end up with Harper, who would probably do the same kind of trashy treatment they did for Peggy Noonan’s The Case Against Hillary Clinton, with those made-up internal monologues and transcriptions of speeches Hillary never made. At least I can be confident that your approach to the Cheney book will be utterly responsible, something along the lines of your superb editorial job on Jerome Corsi’s The Obama Nation.

You described that book as “a piece of scholarship, and a good one at that,” and I could not agree more. Your impeccable vetting of Barack Obama’s extensive connections with Islam and radical politics, his Communist and socialist mentors, his close associations with members of the Weather Underground, his involvement in the slum-landlord empire of a notorious Chicago political fixer – well, Mary (if I may), reading that meticulously documented work was an inspiring reminder of why I went into the publishing business.

Nevertheless, I hope you will not be afraid to be stern in your dealings with Cheney. If there’s one thing I know about him, it’s that he has the utmost respect for those who hold people’s feet to the fire.

I realize that my role as underbidder for the Cheney book does not entitle me to any special consideration. Nevertheless, I am happy to share with you some of the suggestions I made to Mr. Cheney in my original pitch to him, and I hope you’ll adopt them. For what it’s worth, here’s what I think Cheney needs to discuss to make this book a blockbuster international bestseller:

• How he helped President Bush to deceive Congress and the American people into buying into a connection between Al Qaeda and the Iraq government under Saddam Hussein
• How he misrepresented available intelligence
• How he outed covert intelligence officer Valerie Plame and got his Chief of Staff Scooter Libby to take the fall
• How he steered no-bid government contracts to Halliburton, a company in which he has a multimillion dollar interest that has appreciated by thousands of percent since the war began
• How he undermined the Constitution
• How he suspended the right of Habeas Corpus
• How he subverted the rule of law
• How he instituted secret wiretapping and email monitoring of American citizens
• How he scammed America’s allies with Saddam’s “weapons of mass destruction”
• How he created a secret cabal of oil and other energy lobbyists
• How he sent thousands of young men and women to death and maiming in the prosecution of a “phony” war whose real goal was to exploit Middle East oil
• How he leveraged his office to create a policy of torture and brutality

Do these correspond to your own ideas? Have I missed anything?

Also, since it’s no longer of any use to us, I might as well give you the title that we’d planned to put on the book had we won the auction:

GO FUCK YOURSELF
My Life in High Crimes and Misdemeanors
by Dick Cheney

What do you think, Mary? Is that a winning title or what?

I invite you to reply to this open letter and I promise to promote your response in the widest public forum.

Yours truly,

Richard Curtis
President and CEO
E-Reads

Dear Mr. Cheney:

I read today that you are seeking a publication deal for your memoirs. E-Reads, a ten-year-old publishing company of which I am president and CEO, invites you to consider bringing your book out under our imprint. We offer a number of advantages over conventional publishers, particularly instant release of your book in both e-book and print on demand format.

We are prepared to offer a substantial advance and an unprecedented royalty percentage for the privilege of publishing your story. If you require the services of a professional co-author we have access to many superb professional writers with ghost-writing or co-writing credentials.

Naturally, before we sign a binding commitment it would be mutually beneficial for us to spell out the content and “voice” of your book. A paramount consideration is the degree to which you can be candid about your personal life and political career. Though I realize you’re a newcomer to the publishing process, I’m sure that as a businessman you will appreciate that the more frank you can be, the higher the commercial value of your book. A memoir perceived as self-serving (such as public statements you have made since leaving office, if I may be so frank) will simply not enable us to recoup our investment. I’m afraid we can’t count on foreign rights revenue as responses to feelers made by our agents abroad have not been encouraging. It seems that the willingness of the Coalition of the Willing does not extend to acquiring rights to your story.

If however you are prepared to produce a forthright account of your term in office, we are prepared to demonstrate our earnestness with a compensation package far beyond the $2 million you are reported to be seeking.

As for the contents, I’ve made some notes about topics that we would like to see covered in your book. Here’s a partial bulleted list:

• How you assisted President Bush deceive Congress and the American people into buying into a connection between Al Qaeda and the Iraq government under Saddam Hussein
• How you misrepresented available intelligence
• How you outed covert intelligence officer Valerie Plame and got your Chief of Staff Scooter Libby to take the fall
• How you steered no-bid government contracts to Halliburton, a company in which you have a multimillion dollar interest that has appreciated by thousands of percent since the war began
• How you undermined the Constitution
• How you suspended the right of Habeas Corpus
• How you subverted the rule of law
• How you instituted secret wiretapping and email monitoring of American citizens
• How you scammed America’s allies with Saddam’s “weapons of mass destruction”
• How you created a secret cabal of oil and other energy lobbyists
• How you sent thousands of young men and women to death and maiming in the prosecution of a “phony” war whose real goal was to exploit Middle East oil
• How you leveraged your office to create a policy of torture and brutality

As I stated at the outset, if this book is to succeed commercially it must be completely candid. If you are uncertain about the meaning of that term, let me recommend a book that might serve as your model. I’m thinking of The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir by former dancer Toni Bentley whose candor about her sex life was painfully frank. In particular she rhapsodized about anal intercourse. We don’t feel that discussions about your sex life are necessary to make this book a success (though, needless to say, if there were any revelations of that nature that you were willing to share with your readers “it wouldn’t hoit!” as they say). Nevertheless, you might find anal intercourse to be an effective metaphor for your conduct as Vice-President. I don’t want to put words in your mouth but if you were willing to talk about giving it to the American people “in the ass” we would probably raise our first printing another 100,000 copies in the blink of an eye.

In the hope that we’ve persuaded you to cast your lot with us, we’d like to discuss titles, and I think we’ve got one you’re going to love. Ready?

GO FUCK YOURSELF
My Life in High Crimes and Misdemeanors
by Dick Cheney

We’ve already picked out some great cover photos for you to review and we’ve even taken the liberty of producing a sensational Web promo built around your priceless “Go Fuck Yourself” pronunciamento. We’re dummying up a book jacket with some great graphics spun off that theme and I guarantee it’s a knockout.

Please get back to me with your response to our proposal, and, if you agree to our approach and are confident you can deliver a truthful account, have your authorized representative contact me to hammer out details. I look forward to hearing from you and, I hope, working with you.

Yours Truly,

Richard Curtis
President and CEO
E-Reads